A Brief History of Beans

tasty, fibrous, protein-rich legume

that's all there is to it, 

right?

if this

is your idea

of the bean,

your idea

is half-baked.

bean:

gentle,

secretive,

ancient and
mysterious lover.

scientists have poured

over data

assiduously

to solve the mystery

of the bean:

where did it come from,

and why?

in 1882

some guy

was like

"i don't know

where 

these are from" (Gentry, 55).

and in 1935,

some other guy

was like

"these are from America."

and people said:

"no."

people named

De Candolle

and Vavilov

and Burkart.

(think about

these names.)

In 1948,

"an 
astute
student

of the bean"

made marks 

in books

about beans.

His name,

was Oliver.

and he said,

"this is the Phaseolus vulgaris"

(Gentry, 55).

In 1966

and 1967,

bean scientists 

went on field trips

to find out

who is she

by analyzing 

bio-geo-anthro-morpho-logo-graphic

relationships

(that's pretty cute,
if you ask me).

they call the bean

wild.

they say things
like, "we are looking 

for the wild bean,"

beans that

started in

southern mexico 

seven-thousand years ago.

beans that

started in northern thailand 

Nine-thousand years ago (Gorman, 671–3).

(i cannot think 
about nine-thousand
of anything.)

today there are 
forty-thousand varieties
of beans (McGinnis, Suszkiw).

they make you sleepy
they make you awake
they make you horny
they make you dead

and that is basically
the story of
the bean.

next week
we will talk
about farts.

Works Cited

Gentry, Howard Scott. "Origin of the Common Bean, Phaseolus Vulgaris." Economic Botany 23, no. 1 (1969): 55-69.

Gorman, CF (1969). "Hoabinhian: A pebble-tool complex with early plant associations in southeast Asia". Science. 163 (3868): 671–3. 

Laura McGinnis and Jan Suszkiw, ARS. Breeding Better Beans. Agricultural Research magazine. June 2006.